Estrangement Across Generations
Patterns repeated and broken
Family members’ lives are interconnected; patterns of conflict, silence, or emotional distance often echo across generations. What this means is that if you are estranged from your parent, the likelihood of estrangement from your own children increases. Even when the original estrangement wasn’t with a parent, the same intergenerational patterns recur because of emotional systems, not because of who the estrangement was with.
Modern Word for an Age-Old Reality
The word “estrangement” is relatively modern, but the experience is ancient. Families have been experiencing it for as long as families have existed. It lives in stories passed down, in wounds inherited, in patterns repeated. They just used different language for it.
There were different words for different eras and communities. Some of the oldest were exile, shunning, cut off, and disowning. Shunning is still used today in some communities. Slightly more modern are rift, breach, and falling out, while the most socially acceptable and minimizing terms are ‘not on speaking terms’ and ‘a family quarrel’. No matter the term or phrase, it was all the same thing: a break or rift in the family structure.
Past generations didn’t have the same vocabulary for emotional boundaries. They often saw family loyalty as unquestionable and used euphemisms to avoid shame.
Today, we name it more precisely. Estrangement is a relational and psychological phenomenon: a break not only in contact but also in emotional connection.
Patterns that Repeat
Some patterns that tend to repeat most often in families with estrangement:
1. Emotional cutoff as a coping strategy
2. Rigid or unspoken family rules
3. Unresolved conflict that gets buried instead of being addressed
4. Boundary violations or boundary absence
5. Emotional invalidation or minimization
6. Family narratives about loyalty, obligation, or silence
7. Trauma that is never named or processed
8. Transitions that trigger old patterns
It’s not estrangement itself that repeats; it’s the emotional patterns that increase the likelihood of estrangement. And these intergenerational patterns will continue until someone turns to face them.
Were any of these patterns present in your family growing up?
The patterns in your family growing up were not your fault or even your parents. They are learned behaviors passed down through many generations.
Research on intergenerational patterns emphasizes that awareness and intentionality can interrupt these cycles. 1
People who have experienced estrangement often:
become more reflective
seek therapy or support
build healthier communication habits
create different emotional environments for their children
Good news
Patterns can be interrupted.
Awareness is the first step.
Reflection is the second.
Intentionality is the third.
My Story
I was born in 1964. My parents were 44 and 49. They both lived through the Great Depression, World War II, and the Korean War. My Grandfather fought in WWI, and my father in WWII. Their childhoods were very different from mine in the late 60s and through the 70s. A lot different!
From the Civil Rights Movement2 in 1964-65, the rise of activism3, the Protests and Tragedies around the Vietnam War4, the Counterculture Movement, the Sexual Revolution, the influence of TV and protest Music, and the advent of the “Generation Gap”3, which questioned authority and traditional values. Everything was changing, but not at my house.
These changes created a lot of conflict in our house. My oldest sister is 15 years older than I am, and she really got into many of these changes, especially the Feminist Movement. She single-handedly set my parents on high alert to keep a very close eye on the three youngest girls (I’m the baby of the family). The two boys were never bothered, because they were boys. There was no feminist movement of any kind at my house.
Living at home through the era’s societal changes was soul-crushing. My friends, whose parents were much younger than mine, got to do and experience things I never did. I grew withdrawn and began to doubt everything about myself.
I was raised to believe that family is everything, and that parents are always right and must be listened to. You didn’t talk about your feelings; if there wasn’t a bone sticking out, you could walk it off; and most of all, NEVER say I love you.
I did distance myself from my father. It really wasn’t hard to do since he didn’t pay much attention to me because I was a girl. I never distanced myself from my mother. I was her baby and could never have left her. However, we did have our moments.
My oldest sister eventually disowned the entire family; yes, we used that term then. She did maintain some communication with my mother and one of our sisters.
That particular sister is 4 years older than me, and I have severed all ties with her. She wasn’t very nice to me. I haven’t liked her for as long as I can remember. I had no idea, at the time, why she treated me that way. I’ve since concluded that she is a very unhappy person, possibly jealous of me. Why? I don’t know. Maybe because, being the baby, our mother paid more attention to me (she knew I was going to be her last), or perhaps it’s because I was cuter than her. 😉 I really can’t say.
I haven’t spoken to my oldest sister in over 30 years and the other in over 20. I don’t know if I would if either reached out to me.
A few years later, I became a mom. I vowed not to become my parents. I would be strict in teaching my children, but not to the point of what would now be considered abusive. But I hadn’t learned to communicate verbally.
I told my girls I loved them. I told them I was proud of them. I tried my best to have real heart-to-heart talks with them. I thought I was doing okay. They never said that I didn’t listen or didn’t understand. But, looking back, I guess they wouldn’t have if they didn’t feel comfortable talking to me. I thought they were comfortable approaching me, but maybe I was wrong.
That brings me here. Estranged from both my girls and a grandson. I was told I could see my grandson as long as I didn’t bring him along. That would be her stepdad. I told her that if he isn’t welcome, then neither am I.
Have you been, or are you currently, estranged from anyone in your family?
Looking back at raising your own children. Did any of those patterns repeat?
The Next Generation
I worry that my grandson will learn the wrong things from this estrangement and just continue the cycle. I don’t know how to help him break the patterns.
We must find ways to interrupt the cycle. We need to become aware of how we may be perpetuating it. To reflect on why we continued it and how we can break it. Lastly, we need to show others how to do this, how to become aware, how to reflect on the issues, and how they, too, can carry on the intention to make others aware of how to stop it.
There is also the intention to change. To make adjustments to our own situation to either bring about reconciliation or to find peace without it.
I believe there is potential for reconciliation with my girls. I know it won’t be soon. I hope that in time they will come to understand that we aren’t so different and that we can get along even if we’re on opposite sides of the fence. That they will realize that the fence isn’t a wall and can be jumped over from time to time.
Bringing it All Together
The past doesn’t have to repeat itself, especially if we learn from it. We can interrupt, even break the patterns. We can make changes that change what comes next. We must be aware of what happened before, reflect on how we can change for the future, and make it our mission to teach what we’ve learned.
Answering these questions can help you get started.
Was your life growing up anything like mine?
Have you become aware of how that upbringing may have affected your own parenting style?
Were there similarities? Did your approaches match, or did you do things entirely differently?
We are all in this together.
Sharing your thoughts and experiences is the best way to show your support for others and help yourself navigate your path.
Thank you for reading.
The Grieving Mom – Mary
Don’t forget to check out “Mary’s Shelf”, for other readings of interest.
Citations
1 - Breaking Family Intergenerational Patterns Gently – February 4, 2025
2 – American Social Policy in the 1960’s and 1970’s - Marx, J.D. (2011) - https://socialwelfare.library.vcu.edu/war-on-poverty/american-social-policy-in-the-60s-and-70s/
3 - Outline of U.S. History/Decades of Change: 1960-1980 - 19 February 2025 - https://en.wikibooks.org/wiki/Outline_of_U.S._History/Decades_of_Change:_1960-1980
4 – Social Change Interviews - Social Change in the 1960s and 1970s - March 14 2023 – with Bryan Ray - https://sites.lib.jmu.edu/sc-interviews/2023/03/27/social-change-in-the-1960s-and-1970s/
Want more information on the generational effects of estrangement…
Mary’s Shelf
Digital History - https://www.digitalhistory.uh.edu/era.cfm?eraID=17&smtid=1 & https://www.digitalhistory.uh.edu/era.cfm?eraid=19&smtid=1
Stopping Intergenerational Estrangement: Key Strategies - Ali-John Chaudhary - 15 May 2025 https://siblingestrangement.com/2025/05/15/stopping-intergenerational-estrangement-key-strategies/
Breaking Family Intergenerational Patterns Gently - Ilene Strauss Cohen Ph.D. - February 4, 2025 -
Mother-Adult Child Estrangement: Patterns and the Role of Transitions - Melanie Abarca - October 21, 2025 - https://farrnet.missouri.edu/recent-findings/mother-adult-child-estrangement-patterns-and-role-transitions
Putting out the fires of intergenerational family dysfunction - Jen Maher - Sep 26, 2024 - https://www.togetherestranged.org/post/putting-out-the-fires-of-intergenerational-family-dysfunction